3 Ways to Heal a Relationship After Trust Has Been Hurt
Healing individually is often the primary focus in recovery or during a major life change. But learning how to navigate a marriage or relationship while you are changing can be challenging.
As your relationship with yourself improves, old ways of interacting with your partner may no longer work. Behaviors that were once tolerated may need to be addressed. New rules, roles, limits, and boundaries may need to be set.
If you are trying to rebuild trust, communication, or emotional safety, couples therapy in Orange County can help you slow the pattern down and begin moving forward with more clarity.
Identify what you need from your partner
I often hear in session, “He or she should know my needs or wants.”
That is a cognitive distortion that needs to be challenged. The only way a person knows what we want is by asking. As scripture states, “we do not have if we do not ask.” While that refers to God, I believe that statement applies to our interactions with others as well.
Think about what you want from your husband, wife, or partner. Take time to put those desires in writing so you can discuss your expectations.
Sometimes, wants need to be negotiated. However, discussing them allows you to avoid disappointment due to unmet expectations. If you are in early recovery, you may have never given much thought to verbalizing your needs in a relationship.
This is a great opportunity to begin creating the relationship you want.
Set healthier rules of engagement
There will be basic rules of engagement that need to be set.
For example: no name-calling, no cursing at each other, no character assassination, no yelling, no hitting, and no returning to other problematic patterns of interacting from the past.
Couples also need to learn effective conflict resolution skills. Remember, love always trusts and always respects. We cannot trust what we do not respect, and we cannot respect what we do not trust.
Tell your partner how you want to be treated. Take time to teach, lead, and guide each other in what respect and boundaries mean to both of you as a couple.
The Gottman Institute also explains that repair attempts can help prevent negativity from escalating during conflict. Healing a relationship is not only about avoiding arguments. It is also about learning how to repair when hurt, conflict, or misunderstanding happens.
Take a daily relationship inventory
Taking a personal daily inventory at the end of each day is highly recommended in recovery.
Daily, it helps to be aware of successes and shortcomings. If we are blessed with tomorrow, we can try again with more presence, mindfulness, and awareness.
Truly living one day at a time, we can create a more fulfilling and satisfying life in recovery as well as in relationships.
I recommend that couples do this exercise as well. It helps identify and appreciate positive changes. It also helps identify hurts, disappointments, or old patterns that can turn into resentments if they are not addressed, worked through, forgiven, and let go.
This is especially important when addiction has affected the relationship. Couples therapy for addiction can help partners rebuild communication, address trust issues, and create healthier patterns moving forward.
Work with Dr. Susan Pazak on healing your relationship
These three tools are very important in healing a relationship challenged by addiction, broken trust, or old patterns from the past.
It will take all the components of love, such as patience, tolerance, being slow to anger and quick to forgive, giving the benefit of the doubt, and believing the best.
Healing allows the relationship with yourself and your significant other to become the very best it can be. It also allows you to love and be loved more healthily.
To learn more, please contact Dr. Susan Pazak for a consultation.
